blessed

The Stanley's

The Gillespie's

So very, unbelievably lucky to be apart of both these families

-all the brothers a sister could want/need

-stylin' sisters who at times fill the absent void of best friends

-two sets of parents to look up to and aspire to be like

-the cutest, most precious nephews around

definitely blessed.

spring

Spring is my favorite time of year (fall coming in a close second). I love watching the plants blossom, the green sprout from the trees and the seldom spring showers. I have never really thought about why I love this season until recently.

I have always wanted to share a time in my life that is very private, but I didn't know how to go about doing it without feeling totally naked and vulnerable. Because of those very reasons I feel like I can't and shouldn't go into great detail because to me it is opening up a closed door that has been locked up, chained and bolted down for a reason.

Besides.. who wants to relive the past, especially a touchy past. Not me that's for sure.

I am a HUGE believer in certain things happening for certain reasons. Sometimes I think that I know why I went through it, but I always seem to back down and question it all, so to this day.. what has it been, a good 6-7 years later, I still can't figure it out. Maybe I am not supposed to, maybe I need to stop trying to figure it out. I do know, that when the day comes when I know deep down why I went through it, I will be able to feel complete peace. Even though I do feel peace, it is sometimes in the pit of my stomach unsettling.

Do you remember that story about the wolf in sheep's clothing? I let a wolf into my life right out of high school. I remember one of my young woman's leaders later telling me that he reminded her of just that. A fake, a phony, putting on a act for everyone. He was, he was the epitome of just that. I couldn't see it at the time, all I saw was the sheep.

Shame on me

Shame on me for allowing him to use me

Shame on me for being so immature and naive

Shame on me for letting him turn me against the ones who loved me most

Shame on me for turning against my faith

Shame on me for letting him lower my standards when they used to be held so high

One important thing I am leaving out is this: it wasn't all the wolfs fault. I can't hold him responsible for everything. Because, I ultimately allowed it to happen. I am guilty just as much as he. I had to learn how to take some, not all but some responsibility even though I know deep down I was the victim. I still had to take the effort and learn how to forgive the wolf.

I remember afterwords losing all my "so called" friends. Everyone. Not to brag, but to put it in perspective, I was the prom queen my senior year. I had friends, I had too many friends. All of them- gone. I was alone. My friends were my parents. I hung out with my mom and dad for a good solid year with no other acquaintances. Did I mind- not one bit. I needed it, I needed to live a life in cognito. I needed a break. I was very vulnerable and I was afraid to let someone, anyone in my life. I needed to re-evaluate myself, I needed to start from square one once again.

I look back at that time as my "hibernation" period. I kept busy though. I did not want to turn back, I wanted to run forward. I did just that... I ran. I became me once again. I couldn't have been more ecstatic. I was finally back to being me. ME.

I felt like the wolf molded me. A puppet master and I was his puppet. I became someone else. A lot of my memory during that period is blocked. I remember someone telling me that when terrible things happen in your life- Heavenly Father blocks it from your memory so you don't have to keep reliving it. I don't know if it's true but I can't remember things that my mom can. So I like to believe it is true.

As hard as it was, I was able to forgive him. I couldn't hold that on my shoulders anymore. I needed to rise above it and let it go. Do you know how great that felt? I can't put it in words so I won't try to explain. For those of you who have gone through that I am sure you can relate and know that feeling.

I am now grateful for the wolf. I am grateful for that trial, for that card I was dealt. It made me who I am today. It made me be a better wife, a better mom, sister, daughter, and friend. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for the wolf. So for that I have to be grateful.

Don't get me wrong, there are those days, the "debbie downer" days or "full blown DD days" as my aunt puts it :) Days where I am so insecure I can't even leave my house. I have had many of those. Because of the wolf I sometimes- okay a lot of times can't believe my own husband when he tells me I am pretty. That is something more then anything else that I am still trying to overcome. It is especially hard, because I feel like I am "allowing" the wolf to win that battle. I am commited to changing it... and if any of you have advice on overcoming insecurities I will gladly take it.

I am not writing about this to have anyone take pity on me, because I don't want that or need that. I want to tell my story to maybe help someone who might be in that very position, to inspire someone or to have someone read and feel that someone else (me) knows what have gone through. One thing I have gotten out of this little journey of mine is that the feeling of being alone, is really not the greatestfeelings out there. I hope that when you read this you can in some ways relate. I want people to know that all things are possible, there is hope and most of all, you are not alone.

I think about my sweet little Bella. I cringe thinking about her dating, even though that is many moons away I can't help but already be a little bit nervous. Paranoid much? After becoming a mom, I thought I found the answer to my question of why this experience of mine happened. I knew it was to help her. I knew that I would be able to look at a potential boyfriend and know if he was in any amount worthy of holding her hand. I knew that when her little heart would be broken I would be there to pick up all those pieces. I knew that not JT but I would be holding the shotgun when he approached our door.

But, as time passed I realised that yes it might be, but I don't feel that "burning in my bosom" feeling that that is why I went through that experience. It might be, but I can't put my finger on it just yet. I do know though that it will definilty help in those teenage years. This is horrible, but I secretly hope the world ends before that time comes, I am actually praying it does. Is that sad? Yeah.. okay maybe but oh gosh my little baby, boys.. oh my helllll. Pardon the french :)

I love spring because I was that little seed buried under the snow and cold for many many months. It took a lot of sunshine, and rain to help me sprout up and blossom into who I am today. Because of the support of the rays and occasional showers I was able to find a worthy and amazing man to love me for me. To accept all the snow and cold in my life and be able to look past it. To learn to be extremely paitent while I sometimes have to battle my demons.To shower me with love from day one and take me to the temple and be sealed together for time and all eternity, and to be able to bring a special little spirit into the world.

{Easter 2011}

Because of those very reasons, I am grateful whenever spring time comes around... ♥

girls will be girls

lately i have been noticing that girls will never change. you know, the usual- being uber sensitive, having an argument and right after being the best of friends. holding grudges, sometimes not being able to forgive. remembering everything good and bad, talkative.. i could go on and on

i noticed recently that as early as 3 years old, bells has shown some of these traits. i used to think you really didn't develop those until you grew up and experienced life a little bit more. i thought when you had certain experiences, that's how you developed them.

i still agree with that but now i think a little bit differently. at bella's dance class, there are about 6 girls. all super cute, and all the same age. these girls cut each other in line. they push and shove each other out of the way. the next minute they are hugging, then right after that someone is crying from getting their feelings hurt.

sensitive-check

fighting- check

forgiving- check

holding grudges- check

not forgiving- check

we all know those girls who "act like they are still in high school" and take advantage of these traits to hurt others. i'm not perfect. i know looking back in my life i have been guilty of just that. i hope as bells grows older i will be able to help her and be there for her during those hard times. i am sure from the picture below of me in my spandex get up i was the target of those mean girls, (ps-i don't blame them i know the fashion gods looked down in disgust that day) my hope is that we can all take a minute and look at ourselves and ask those questions, like- am i who i ultimately want people to perceive i am?

i have always remembered a story my mom told me about her now best friend. i think my mom is gorgeous, and i think because of that, cute girls get labeled- stuck up, or brats by some who don't even know them. it's sad but thats just what happens. my parents had just moved into a brand new ward, that sunday my mom sat in relief society. a lady stood up to give the lesson. my mom sat and took it all in, she didn't raise her hand to say a comment, she just sat silent watching and listening to the woman give her talk. in the next few weeks my mom started to get to know the lady and it soon blossomed into a friendship. she told my mom many years later that she remembered seeing her that sunday while giving her lesson and she was so glad she got to know my mom because she would definitly be missing out on a great friendship. she told my mom she was intimidated by her because she was quiet and because she was is so cute. so sweet, right?

it is kind of my hope with this new blog that people will get to know me better. because unfourtunately i am quiet and i am shy, but if you give me a chance and get to know me, i think we could be great friends :)

she got it from her mama

when i am emotional i love to eat. i love to eat all my emotions away. i ate all those tears away from hard breakups. i ate the nervousness away from those tests at school. i ate when i had a very successful shopping day. from the looks of it, i should weigh more than i do right now. i am what you call an emotional eater, you name the emotion, i will eat. ehh not my best quality but what do you do? okay so yes, probably not eat but then if that happens i get angry because i am "hungry" and that leads to another emotion i want to eat away, and then it.. okay i will just stop at that

today bella and i went to visit my parents. lucky for us- mason, bellas cousin was over there. while they were playing and ruffing it up, bells somehow hurt her leg. she walked around limping and complaining that her leg hurt. mason asked grandpa crapa for a cookie, bells said she wanted one too. after crapa handed her the cookie she said, "cookie makes my leg feel better"

yes, cookies make everything better.. eat that hurt away lil lady

awkward & awesome

the other day while watching bella play, i secretly craved what she had, she was so carefree. not a worry in the world. all that consumed her at that very moment was what color crayon to use next on her paper. i couldn't help but think that i wish sometimes i could turn back the clock, be 3 again. not have a care in the world. only be consumed with a fantasy world of fairies, princesses and what Olivia episode was on next.

i was recently looking through some of my childhood pictures and quickly realised that there were an awful lot of awkward moments, and a whole lot of awesome ones too. after looking through my box i selected a few to share with you:

lace and denim anyone? and no i was not raised in a polygamist family

not gonna lie, i've never seen spandex look this good. this was the original spanx

i am pretty positive, that with this barbie helmet, i was envied by all the other toothless girls in the neighborhood

mom, where were you on this one?? i secretly hope a bee stung my stomach in the confusion i caused it

a flower of choice perhaps? i think the can of paint adds a nice touch

pedro from napoleon said it best, "i like her bangs"

total 80's, total love

in all seriousness, i am grateful to look back on these pictures and many more and be able to laugh and realise that yes i did go out in the world looking like that. and for my "awesome" i came upon this picture:

i love looking at this and seeing my lil b, that my friends is awesome

fresh

my old blog needed a change. i have always wanted to make this a tad bit different, i just didn't know how to go about doing it. so after blog surfing and being inspired, this is what i came up with: a place where i am able to express my feelings, show things that inspire me, write about my family, and share experiences with all who are willing to read. {also, to not bother using capitals and proper grammar- sorry mom}

so with that i decided for the first post i wanted to start from the beginning and share a little slice of the start of the jt and brittnie story:

{recent grimaldi's outing, yum}

i met jt at the singles ward. (cue the awes) while at a church activity, sitting on the same couch with a good distance between the both of us, he took my phone and put his number in it. so clever, and so him i would later find out. we would text on and off getting to know each other better. i found out he was planning on going to school up in utah. desperation kicked into high gear, i am serious to. i did not want him to move because i knew i was supposed to be with him and there was no way in hell heck i was moving up to utah. {i was born there, hate the cold, no offense}so i had to get creative.

he wanted to take me out on our first date the day before he was leaving for utah to tour some schools. so that day while i was at work, and with help from my coworkers i made him a card. i looked up the forecast that week in utah and it was cloudy, rainy and cold. in az it was going to be sunny and warm. this is what i came up with:

{front}

{inside}

that night on our date i gave him the card and made him promise me he wouldn't open it until he arrived in utah, he swears to this day he didn't, and i believe him too. it could of been the card, or maybe it was me but he decided to stay in arizona and that was the beginning of our beginning. want to know the best part of this story? he has kept the card ever since ♥

welcome friends, new and old, i hope you will sit and stay awhile